Editorial: Spynal’s Baby Fever! WTF, Women?! Have You All Lost Your Fucking Minds?

So this is Spynal again. I’m not going to be able to post as much because of computer problems, but I thought I would talk about something in my life that is really pissing me the hell off. If you don’t already know, I’m a woman and it’s a pain being a woman these days, especially if you’re more of a tomboy and you’d rather hang out with the guys. I’ve always been interested in general guy things. I love horror and grindhouse movies, listen to metal, love muscle cars and play video games when I’m bored. When I was young you would mainly find me outside in the sandbox building a city with my matchbox cars. A baby doll that pees and cries? Fuck that, give me a Tonka truck instead. My high school had an automotive mechanics class which I took and if my school had offered a construction class I would have taken it as well.

Those who share my interests are mainly guys. You get with your guy friends and talk about things you both like, but I can’t really turn to any of my female friends because I’m not into female shit. Some of my girl friends are flabbergasted at how I’m friends with all these guys and not fucking any of them. They all have baby fever and I say to them, “If I want something cute I’ll get a puppy.” I don’t need security in a relationship and that’s what a lot of women go for when all else fails.

Now let me talk about some of the things that other women have said to me, sometimes repeating them on a daily basis. These are all 100% true statements that I’ve heard all my life. I’m not bullshitting you and couldn’t make some of these up if I tried:

“You’re thirty, not married and don’t have children? What’s wrong with you? At your age you should have been married with at least two kids.”

“When are you going to get married and have children? You need to hurry up and find a man because you’re getting too old to have children.”

“Why do you keep turning down all these guys? Just pick one.”

“Have you met my grandson? I know you’ll just like him because he’s a sweet little boy. Give me your number, I’ll help you out.”

“What do you mean you don’t want children? That’s crazy talk. You’ll change your mind. Every woman wants children. God created you to have children and saying you don’t want children is going against his command. My children are the reason I exist; I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. You don’t know the meaning of life until you’ve had children. Stop being selfish.”

But that’s not all. As soon as you do have a child, they want to tell you how to raise it. My cousin and some other female friends have gotten asked these questions from other women:

“Feeding your baby formula is poisoning them. Breast is best, that’s what they were made for. Don’t breastfeed or your husband will leave you.”

“You had your children through c-section? You’re not a real mom then. You took the easy way out and that doesn’t count. You can’t form a bond with your baby if you didn’t give birth naturally or breastfeed it.”

“The reason why your child is special needs is because you had an epidural. Epidurals were supposed to kill black babies but the procedure didn’t work correctly and now babies are born with birth defects if you get one.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your child, it’s just bad parenting. Let the child cry it out so it can be independent. Loving your child will make them a sap.”

“Don’t tickle your baby or they’ll stutter.”

“How many more children are you going to have? Were they planned?”

“Your children are thirteen and four? Which one was the accident?”

Of course there’s always going to be those that tell you how to raise a child and what names they approve of. Even women who can’t have children (for a medical reason or other) will get asked the same questions. If they’re unable to have children, they just need to try harder and God will eventually bless them.

The most extreme case of name approval (or lack thereof) came from my friend’s mother. She told me that when she gave birth, her mother asked her what she was going to name her daughter. She said that she was going to name her child Samantha. Sam was born small and her grandmother said that a little baby didn’t deserve to have such a large name and told her mother to name her Amanda instead. But her mother refused, saying that she was set on Samantha. Her grandmother then shot back, “Fine, I’ll just call her Joy.” From that day forward, she was addressed as Joy by her grandmother because she simply didn’t like the name.

I’ve also heard these little confidence boosters:

“Now come on, don’t you want a cute little mini-you with those tiny feet and dimples?”

“You can always try parenting to see if you like it or not.”

The bottom line is that we women are really pushing the hell out of other women to constantly shit out kids because some imaginary god-figure told us that that is our
only purpose in life. Ladies, cut this shit out. Not every woman on this fucking planet can or wants to have kids, and not every woman on this planet fears the wrath of some angry god that you’ve been conditioned to believe in. This shit has got to stop.

– Spynal

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