Grim Rants: Yes, Kill The Movie Theaters!

If there is one thing I can’t stand in the modern world, it is the fact that I have to leave my home and my bathroom in order to watch a new release these days. Especially in the age of Netflix where such great films as Guns Akimbo are playing right now for a subscription fee, along with the Castlevania Season 3 vampire orgy. Normally, if I wanted to see a film like Bloodshot or The Gentlemen, I would have to find a good showing (which was usually right after leaving work, though that option is no longer available to me as all of the other theaters are far out in the city and mine decided to close early) and hopefully make it there by the time the previews started. Not only that, but I would have to sit in one spot for at least two hours while later holding in my urine.

On top of that, I’m buying overpriced popcorn, nachos and a soda because I’m not allowed to bring my own food into the theater. Solidifying my point, I’m paying as much to see the damn film as I would have paid to own a physical DVD or Blu-Ray copy of it. Simply put, this is ridiculous.

One great thing that the coronavirus did was to force movie makers to pull these films out of the theaters. I’m extremely elated to see them popping up on demand, even though the price is still that of a physical release, which is probably one reason why people aren’t exactly hip to the idea yet. Even concerts are cheaper to stream online and I’ll get to that in an article (as this is just a small rant). However, by purchasing the stream, users are now able to watch a film at their leisure. If they want to pause the film, they can. If they want to make jokes or talk while the film is playing, they can. No one shushes them. They don’t have to worry about phones ringing or babies crying. They can talk as they please without having to curb their language for other viewers. They don’t have to put up with people loudly shouting at the screen or theater problems where half of the screen is greened out, or the film was shut off completely (this happened to me once).

And my God, they can go to the bathroom whenever they want, whether it’s a one or a two. The film will still be there when they get back. You can even have a few friends over for a special viewing of the film at your place. What’s not to like about that. Heck, they even have virtual theater apps where you can attend an online theater at home and talk to others there as if you’d been sitting next to them. Folks, I’m talking about an app with a VR headset, so you’re definitely being transported into that kind of environment. This would also work for concerts too and I’d buy a headset for it. I’m pretty sure my rig can run VR, especially if it can run Doom Eternal at 1080P with 60FPS.

So why, with all these options would I ever want to step foot in a movie theater again? I don’t even converse with the other people before or after the film. Most people don’t converse with the other audience members after the film either. They just see the film and go on about their way. I’ve sat right next to people in a theater that I will probably never see again for the rest of my life. I would rather watch a film with my online friends instead, because at least I converse with them on a daily basis.

I’m going to end this rant with disappointment though, as I recently found that the Video On Demand option for what would have changed the game in Wonder Woman 1984 has been canceled. I was hoping that it would make the VOD front, because it is a big enough release to show Hollywood how viable this system could actually be. I was even willing to throw full price down on the film, because I love what it represents and respect Gal Gadot as an actress. She is the very antithesis of Cheese Larson. As this blockbuster has been pulled, there is now no surefire way to tell how profitable VOD releases of theatrical blockbusters could have been.

That being said, Trolls: World Tour is proving the model works, so maybe I will finally get my wish and these things will be closed down for good, a symbol of the archaism that they always were.

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