The Perils Of Being Alone

If you haven’t already guessed by now, the article section of the Tower doesn’t really deal with music and that’s fine with me, because it wasn’t meant to. This is a place where I share my thoughts with the world as freely and openly as I possibly can. If you don’t like it, then don’t read this section as there are plenty of other areas of interest on my little website.

I suppose this is a common issue among people of my generation, though it is not publicized as much due to media stereotypes and cultural traditions. But it is true that I have always felt quite alone in my life. I would not say this is a sort of depression, as I’ve greatly enjoyed my own company and there are certain things that I enjoy more by myself. However, I am getting older and reaching that mark of thirty. By the time you’ve hit thirty, one expects a settling down process to at least halfway begin and that’s what I’m intending. It’s not like I’ve been running around, either however. To be honest, while I have had many little flings in my life; I have only been sexually active with just two women. And if you’d like the total amount of sexual relations that I have had in my life, well that total equals three. Yes, I’ve only had sex three times in my entire life.

Some of you may think that people say things to portray a certain image or whatnot, that I could be lying and in all actually be the biggest pimp in my state. But that’s not true. You see, I consider myself a bit picky; I have certain tastes (but I wouldn’t call them rather high) when it comes to looking for a mate. I tend to like the more masculine types of women, hence I usually always have a crush on the butch type women, the muscular and strong types – but those types are usually lesbians who are attracted of course to other women. I also don’t believe it’s necessary to get a sex change, as I’m perfectly comfortable being a man. I also wouldn’t consider myself gay, because I just don’t find males attractive in that fashion. However, I respect those who do consider themselves in that range of attraction or others. Additionally, I do find myself enticed by large bosom and round butt, just like the majority of men; so it’s not as if I’m not attracted to feminine women at all. I just feel that there needs to be a moderate attraction and a matching personality in a relationship, so that both parties will continue to derive interest from the partnership. I don’t feel that it is necessary for the two halves to be wholly equal, for that is boring. But they should at least have some of the same common interests. Opposites might attract, but if you’re too weird; you may end up running the other person off a cliff. Or worse.

My current girlfriend situation is an odd one, as she has a back history that could fill a full length novel and sit well with the writers at the Dr. Phil show. We’ve been talking off and on for about four years now, but no physical contact has been made since 2009. That’s about two years after the last time I had sex, which was in 2007. Yes, I have not been laid since Bush was in office. At any rate, she is now in a homeless shelter over in Dallas and I’m not really sure what is going on. We used to talk back and forth quite a bit, but it has stagnated and I can see why. There’s nothing to go on right now, no way to really contact with each other that doesn’t include a cellular phone touchpad. I tire of these kinds of relationships. I swore off long distance after the last girl I was dating (at around 16 years of age) was tragically killed by a drunk driver, who ran over her and a friend on the way to a job interview. And no, I never met her in person. My boos and the other guys at work have told me that it does sound a little ridiculous to stay with someone that I haven’t really had contact with in over three years. I’ve never really been around the girl long enough to even know her. The most time I ever spent with her was during a visit to her former job, where I was there with her for about fifteen minutes or maybe even less than that. We never went out on a date, or had sex or even kissed each other. I’m really not sure if I love her, or love the idea of being with her – but I’m starting to believe the latter. Perhaps my boss and the guys are right. Maybe it is time to move on.

But it’s not that I can’t find a relationship, it’s that I can’t keep one. I’ve never really been in a physical relationship for more than a couple weeks due to what were at one time, some ridiculously high standards which I now regret and look back on as a lesson learned. I’ve broken my share of hearts too, but unintentionally. Sometimes you get into these things and you expect something more than what you get in return. It’s like going to McDonald’s for a salad instead of buying all the ingredients and making one yourself. It’s like the chemically sprayed, painted and paper filled sandwich on the television that looks so good, until you actually get the real thing and wonder what in the hell happened. However, I’ve kept in contact with a great deal of my former relations and have tried to remain in relatively good terms with each.

I’m actually not that bad looking, I don’t think. Women have been attracted to my eyes for quite a while now and I had one with a foot fetish who liked what I had to offer there. Odd. At any rate, I’ve got a bit of muscularity due to exercise and hard labor work as a stock room worker. So my job requires quite a bit of muscle work. Yet I maintain an absurdly high metabolism. I also do the PE as mentioned in another article and have seen good results in the past two years I have been doing these (somewhat painful, but beneficial) exercises. I’ve gotten rather used to it now, it’s like clockwork. I’m a highly bright mind who loves to debate all manner of subjects, loves a good argument and finds extreme passion in several different things. I’m a self-described spiritual freethinker and a geek, so that should wrap up most of the character I portray both behind and away from the screen. We’re all characters though, aren’t we?

So why am I not hitting up bars and clubs in the pursuit of some tail? Well, because I simply cannot drive. Yes, it’s true. I’ve been trying to drive for almost twenty years now, but something always happens that turns me away from getting into an automobile. I can certainly get in a car and steer it well enough, that’s no issue. But I’ve yet to drive around other people in a large town or city and I’m 28 years old now. I have Aspergers, a little bit of OCD as well as PTSD (due to years of traumatic abuse by my alcoholic stepfather – no joke, despite the stereotype) and was misdiagnosed with ADD when I was young. The ADD misdiagnosis is important enough that a case could be built upon it, as I was literally offered a pill doctor in my home state of Delaware who offered to my parents a new drug almost every month. I have been on Tofrinil, Cylert, Prozac, Adderall and about fifty other types of medication including Ritalin (had nine years of that, which has now been chemically proven to cause mental issues) and Clonodine, which I had to take to go to sleep every night. Until they took me off of it during my stint at the mental hospital (it’s a long story, folks) and I realized that I didn’t need it. You see, it was easy for my mother to accept the lie that one magic pill could fix me. And my doctor was certainly filling her ears with it. But nothing fixed me, they just all had weird side effects and have left god knows what kind of residue in my brain and body. Taking all those behavioral medications like that surely did something to me, as I don’t believe I’m truly normal. Thus it would be a rather awkward date for anyone of the normal variety to date me. We all have our baggage, but I’ve got a U-Haul truck full of it. Nevertheless, I find that music does help and did help me to get though these kinds of things. I had always been attracted to heavier music, but I found that the music gave me a voice when I was young and now seems to resonate with me towards more adult issues at my current age. It’s not about just rebelling against a broken home sort of lifestyle anymore, as we now live in a broken sort of world and this is our human answer to a planet that may or may not be able to be repaired. But this is going off subject, so let me get back to the point of this article.

It is uncertain as to whether or not I will continue this kind of impersonal relationship. Though I care about the girl, I don’t know how much longer I can go without physical contact and a real relationship. I’m just getting too damned old for this kind of thing and would like to find someone who cares about me and what I do, and who I can likewise care about and become interested in their world. We all have our own worlds, so it seems interesting to combine them together in that fashion. I also feel that The Grim Tower needs a woman’s touch. The Grim Lord needs a Grim Lady, so to speak. I would like to have the kind of relationship where my wife could also double as a business partner and have an area transformed into an office where the both of us could put double the amount of effort into reviews, interviews and other sections. I can’t do it alone and I wouldn’t feel comfortable working with anyone else other than a person who shares the same roof as me. Odd, but I told you – I’m quite picky. So, if you’re actually interested then leave me a message in the contact section just as bands do. Funny I even mention that, but it sure beats the hell out of a weak OkCupid or PlentyOfFish profile! And if you need to know what I look like, then it’s quite easy to find me online. Obviously you know what my name is and with the internet, that’s all you need. Most of my pictures are with glasses.

So I don’t really know what’s going on right now – but I do know that it sucks being alone. That’s the best way to put it. If you’re as messed up as I am (but still able to work and aren’t a druggie – marijuana excluded, but I only smoke extremely sparingly) and want to find someone to be messed up with, then I’m here. If you need to know more about me, just read my thoughts or anything else you’ll find here. And for all you metal guys wondering what the fuck is going on, keep in mind that Week 109 is coming up quickly. There’s a bunch of short 7 inch vinyl’s on it, so it shouldn’t take me that long.

– The Fallen Alchemist/Grim Lord


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